Tell Me, Remus
by Eva James
Summary: Harry wonders back to a time when the war with Voldemort was just beginning, his parents were still alive, and a friendship was stronger than ever.JSL


A/N: This story rode it's way into my mind on a motorcycle. A 1969 Harley- Davidson Sportster to be precise. Happy New Year 2004, everyone.  
  
It seemed that the only life that existed in the entire house, apart from the two men sitting on the couch this Christmas evening, was the blazing fire. It would dance and hypnotize all who dared seek its solace.  
The two men sat drinking fire whiskey. The be-speckled dark haired Auror seemed to be lost in his own thoughts and dreams when the older man interrupted the silence.  
"A knut for your thoughts," he said, looking over to the Boy-Who- Lived-Yet-Again. Harry Potter tore his gaze away from the fire and looked at his companion.  
"Tell me about them Remus," he whispered, momentarily looking down at his glass of liquor. Remus Lupin took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  
"What would you like to know?"  
"Anything...everything," was whispered back to him with a trace of sadness, the green eyes looking everywhere but his face.  
"Well.I can't tell you much as I wasn't around as much as I'd've liked to have been." Lupin took a sip of whiskey and turned to look at the dancing flames. Harry remained silent.  
"I remember the day you were to be born, July 31 1980. James was so excited. He insisted on Apparating Lily to St. Mungo's himself. He ended up Apparating into the men's loo rather than the delivery room," Remus chuckled at the memory. "In fact he did it twice, the second time into the ladies loo. Lily almost killed him right then and there." He glanced over at Harry who had the beginnings of a smile on his lips and had turned his gaze back to the fire, drink forgotten in his hand.  
"Where was Sirius?" Harry said so quietly Remus thought he had imagined it until Harry looked him straight in the eye, curiosity evident on his face. Hesitating, Lupin replied, "Sirius was.on his way." The younger man raised an eyebrow to his clearly hesitant answer.  
"Sirius had been drinking and when he heard that Lily was in labor decided to ride his ridiculously dangerous motorcycle to the hospital instead of Apparating. Well, it turned out he had had a little too much of the booze and not enough of the brains and had crashed his bike a half a mile away from his destination. He ended up in a bed right next to Lily's, on James' request, the next morning, only with his left arm and right leg in casts and a fracture to his left ankle and three ribs. We were lucky he was still alive. Imagine what James might have felt if he had died, a baby entering into his life, a best friend leaving. We were lucky, to say the least. Definitely lucky." Remus let his last statement hang in the air as they drank from their glasses.  
Harry felt a lot better somehow now that he had heard a little of his past. He was starting to feel somewhat drowsy from the late hour, or maybe because of the memorizing flames, or maybe from the simple silence. He was about to get up to go to bed when Remus spoke once more.  
"Had it not been for Sirius though, you might not have ever been born at all."  
"W-What do you mean?"  
Remus looked quickly at him, amber eyes reflecting the flickering of the fire, surprised that he had spoken out loud. "Oh, nothing," he said, downing the rest of his drink. Harry narrowed his eyes and spoke barely above a whisper, "Remus, tell me. I know you know something and I want to know what it is."  
Sighing, the werewolf gave up. "Alright, I'll tell you."  
  
~~~~~*Flashback*~~~~~  
  
"A trial separation?!"  
"She said that if I wanted our relationship to work we'd have to give each other some space and that I should trust her more."  
"What the fuck does she want space for? She does bloody fieldwork for Merlin's sake. You two hardly spend any time together," Sirius yelled across the table into James' face. James winced as his best friend's spit came flying into his eyes. He wiped his glasses on the corner of his shirt while the other man boiled up a temper.  
"You know what a trial separation is, James? It's almost like a divorce. She can start seeing other blokes. She can move to another country." Sirius' eyes had gone huge as he thought of all the possible scenarios that Lily now had a right to. "She can sleep with other men!" At this his eyes got even bigger and his mouth dropped open. James got himself another cup of coffee and leaned over the table to shut Sirius' mouth with a finger.  
"I know." James seemed awfully calm to Sirius.  
"So what are you going to do?"  
"Go through with it I guess." he answered, circling the rim of his cup with a forefinger.  
"But-"  
"Lily said I had to do this if I didn't want a divorce." A stunned Sirius Black sat staring back at him.  
"Damn, you are one brave idiot, James Potter," he finally said, running a hand through his shoulder-length black hair.  
"I've dealt with worse." Sirius raised an eyebrow to this statement.  
  
"Ok, so this is the worst," came James' response after a prolonged false tranquility.  
"Hey Prongs, you've always got me," Sirius said with a smile, spreading his arms wide to James.  
"I know, Padfoot, I know."  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
James and Lily's trial separation continued for almost a year and they weren't showing any signs of getting back together to that "perfect couple" they were once called. Although they still lived in the same house, it couldn't be said that they lived together. They did their own things, on their own time, without questioning the other for permission or advice. When they went to work they did their jobs, spoke with each other briefly and continued on with their lives. While Lily didn't seem to show any regrets or signs of being lonely, James wasn't taking things so lightly.  
When he was called into the Ministry for paperwork on one of his cases or something else that required the use of his desk, he'd stay overtime finishing his stuff while everyone else had already gone home. He couldn't stand the fact that he'd be coming home to an empty house. Even if she were in her room it'd feel empty to him.  
Whenever there was fieldwork to be done and reports came into Headquarters of those injured or dead, Lily and James would be the first ones to the boards, making sure the other wasn't on the list. Their love was still there, it had just died. They were only 22 years old, maybe they were scared of falling in love so young, maybe they weren't ready for it, no one knew for sure. But it was a fact that they were in love and that they cared for each other deeply.  
One night, James was going home after an exhausting day of tracking the whereabouts of a group of Death Eaters only to find his wife lip-locked with one of his own friends, Peter Pettigrew.  
"What the hell is going on here?" James roared. Lily sprang away at once, breathing hard and fast. Peter leaned as far away from the approaching figure of James as possible, whimpering slightly.  
"You know Lily and I are still married and while she can see anyone she wants, there were boundaries I set up. You know what those were?" James was shaking with rage for his friend's daring. "No Marauders were allowed to hook up with my wife except for me!!" He screamed into Wormtail's face, drawing back a fist to punch him with.  
"James! No!" Lily grabbed her husband's arm and pulled him towards her, away from their cowering friend. James had a frightening look to his eyes that scared her but she kept her ground and stared right back at him.  
"James, this isn't what you think it is," she said, their noses almost touching as they glared at each other.  
"Oh really? Then what, pray-tell, is this about?"  
"Sh-she.she wanted me t-to." Pettigrew said, his voice quivering.  
"You stay out of this, you son of a bitch!" James' glare now at an even more intense level.  
"He's right, I did." Lily whispered, looking down at her feet, the blush evident on her face. James stared at her, his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out.  
"James, I was lonely.I didn't have anybody to go to.he came over and I.I told him I wanted him to stay the night," her voice had gotten louder and quieter on intervals. There were tears in her eyes as she looked at James.  
"Lonely!? Why didn't you come to me then? In case you've forgotten, Lily, we are still married. I am still your husband."  
"I know, I know, but-"  
"But what? You thought, Hey if I can't have James because of some stupid idea I came up with, I'll have one of his friends?" James had grabbed her shoulders and was pressing into her smooth flesh with his fingernails. Lily began to tremble beneath him.  
"No, no." Her tears became hot and angry and she started getting mad at him even more.  
"You know what? I can't take this anymore, I'm out of here. See you around Lily, hope your life is less lonely without me." James turned and marched towards the door with quick, tense strides. When he got to the door he turned back around and threw a curse at Pettigrew for good measure.  
  
"James Potter! Come back here this instant!" Lily screamed but James had already slammed the door and Apparated away.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
"Sirius, got any liquor? Anything particularly strong?" James Apparated into his friend's house, breaking about a dozen protection charms and shields on the way and started searching the cupboards for alcohol.  
"Holy fucking Merlin, James, you scared the shit out of me!" Sirius came running into his kitchen, dragging his trousers over his naked body.  
"Sirius, aren't you an Auror? Why aren't you prepared for this kind of thing?" James asked, taking a swig of whatever he had gotten his hands on first.  
"Well, no ordinary wizard can break over a fucking dozen protection shields all at once." Sirius was glancing back towards his bedroom nervously.  
"You have company? That's ok, I'm only here for the alcohol. I'll just take all of this and be on my way." James snatched every liquor bottle he found and tried to get past Sirius, who was now standing directly in front of him, putting everything from James' arms back into his cupboards. Sirius brought his hands to James' shoulders and pushed down on him until James was sitting in a chair. Sirius swiftly ran his fingers through James' hair and looked carefully into his eyes, holding his face on either side with his palms. He crouched down in front of the chair and took his friend's hands.  
"James, what is all this about?" Sirius' blue eyes searched his friend's brown ones.  
"I caught Lily with Peter," James whispered, and released one of his hands from Sirius' grip to rub his palm into his eyes. Sirius cursed under his breath and got up from his kneeling position. "Wait here," he breathed as he dashed out of the kitchen into the bedroom. There was a brief conversation, one voice urgent and the other annoyed yet somewhat seductive. This was followed by a stillness that seemed to go on for hours. Finally Sirius came back carrying a shirt and his riding boots. He was out of breathe that could've been because he was rushing around getting his shirt on and looking for his keys at once or from whatever had gone on in his bedroom during that brief silence.  
While Sirius was demolishing his home in search of the keys to his motorcycle, James had started drinking. He had, in fact, drank four straight bottles of brandy before Sirius noticed his friend's increasingly un-sober state.  
"Get up James," Sirius demanded and took hold of James' arms and lifted him to his feet only to find James slumped over his shoulder instead of on his feet. Carefully lifting him, Sirius reached for the bottle in James' hand while his other reached for his cloak behind him. The be- speckled man resisted as he tried to stand up and get away from his friend. James took another swig and headed for the door clumsily. Sirius grabbed the back of his cloak and restrained him, finally finding his keys sitting on his cd player.  
"Let me go, you dog!"  
"No, you're not going anywhere on your own. We're both getting out of here and away from the liquor." Sirius had reached across James' waist and was pulling the bottle out of his hands at the same time as dragging him towards the door.  
"Sirius! W-what are you doing? Let me go! Go back to your room, have glorious sex, at least one of us is. At least your girlfriend didn't say she was getting lonely and decided to tramp off with one of your friends! At least she was loyal!" James was screaming his heart out now, his dark eyes blazing with fire and hatred. He was pushing back on Sirius with all his weight, determined not to leave the flat. Sirius knew he couldn't hold James back much longer for James was the bigger of the two so he did the first thing that came to mind. He punched James as hard as he could, straight to the nose. Nose bleeding, eyes unseeing, head spinning, James sunk onto the floor and let his head fall back onto the wall adjacent to the open door.  
Sirius glanced at his friend and went back into the kitchen. He arrived shortly with a damp cloth and a glass of water. Wiping at James' forehead and nose, he looked solemn and concerned.  
"James, I don't have a girlfriend."  
James didn't reply, merely opened his heavy eyelids to stare at his attacker. Sirius got James to his feet and stumbled down the stairs of his apartment complex to the bike parked in front.  
"Get on."  
"What?"  
"We're going for a ride. Get on," Sirius repeated with more conviction and pushed James onto his bike and then got on himself in front. He revved up his bike and took off down the street. Coming off onto a highway, he let his machine roar beneath him. It felt exuberating to be riding his motorcycle with his best friend clutching onto him at dangerously high speeds, almost arousing. Just for the fun of it he pushed into the seat of his bike, slowly backing up into James' lap. James, being drunk and well James, didn't notice anything and simply hung onto Sirius' waist as tightly as he could. His shoulders, chest, and hips were glued to Sirius' back and his teeth were chattering as he shivered from the October chill. Sirius was finding it harder and harder to stay focused on where he was going. His mind kept wondering back to all those fantasies of James he'd had over the years. It might even be said that he'd developed a tiny crush on his best friend and loyal partner in crime. Shaking his head, he reminded himself to stay attentive. He turned off onto a less crowded street and again onto an even more deserted lane. They rode slower now that they were in the middle of nowhere with rolling hills on either side of them.  
They nearly crashed into trees twice when Sirius had let his mind wonder back to James and his hips sitting in such close proximity of his own body. They reached their destination when Sirius turned off the engine and got off carefully, stretching his legs and back. James took a little longer but when he too had gotten off they started toward a hilltop in comfortable silence, at least for James it was comfortable as Sirius still had some problems walking. As they reached the top both men took deep breaths and sat down to admire the vast skies and all the stars of the universe.  
James had calmed down but there was still a fire in his eyes, as well as cloudiness from the alcohol. As James sat reflecting on the stars, his visible breathe coming out in long blows, Sirius studied James. Although they never spoke of it, both Marauders knew of Sirius' lust for James. They lived with it, James even allowed it. And although James could never return Sirius affection for him, their friendship was the strongest that any friends' could be.  
Sirius wanted to say something, anything to rouse James from his thoughts, but nothing came to him, nothing important enough to disrupt the peace of the moment. James sighed and lay back on his arms in the grass, still staring at the sky.  
"You think she'll ever change her mind?" James asked.  
Sirius glanced down at him and then back at the stars. "I don't know."  
James sighed again and looked up at Sirius. Sirius could feel his gaze on him so he looked down. What he found were big, dark eyes watching him calmly. In a moment of daring Sirius leaned over and lightly touched his lips to those of his friend and long time crush. He knew that this would be the only time he would be allowed to do this even though James let him. He had a feeling Lily wasn't going to let James go so easily.  
When Sirius pulled back James looked up into those blue eyes, smiled a tiny smile, and whispered, "Thank you." Somehow, having Sirius kiss him had given him the reassurance he lacked within himself. He felt grateful then for Sirius' affections and loyalty. Then, he slowly sat up and soon they were on their way back, their minds relaxed, their anxieties settled, and a little of their hopes restored.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^  
  
The music was loud, there was food everywhere, and James and Lily were yet to be seen. Sirius was getting worried, standing by the punch bowl at his own Halloween party looking menacing at anyone who came around his way. A loud banging on the door in the hall caught his attention. Leaping over guests, he ran towards the door as it flung open to reveal an extremely happy Lily and a smug James Potter.  
"Stop looking so happy, you're making me sick," Sirius drawled and let them side step him into his home.  
Not holding anything back Lily announced, "We're pregnant!" bouncing on her toes and clasping her hands out to Sirius. She looked ready to pounce him with a hug so he slowly backed away, glancing briefly in James' direction. James still had that goofy smile on his face and didn't seem the least bit interested in helping Sirius out of his situation. Lily finally got hold of the Sirius' neck and hung onto him with all her elation. Remus made his way over to his three friends with Peter in tow. They were both smiling at the happy couple and Sirius' predicament.  
"Congratulations you two," Sirius chuckled as he pried Lily off his body. He was instantly engulfed in a much bigger hug by James. Everyone laughed as James clung onto his best friend's neck.  
James buried his face into Sirius' hair and said quietly so no one else could hear, "Thank you Padfoot. If it hadn't been for you this never would've happened. I love you. For everything." As James let go he looked Sirius straight in the eye and then joined the group as they headed towards the refreshments table. Sirius stayed still and looked after them, not moving.  
Then, as quietly as James had spoken he muttered, "I love you too, Prongs. More than you'll ever know.more than you'll ever know."  
  
~~~~~*End flashback*~~~~~  
  
"Sirius told me that story when he got out of Azkaban," Remus said quietly. He turned and glanced at Harry and gave him a warm smile. "Well, that's enough stories for one night. I'll see you in the morning Harry. Good night and Happy Christmas." Remus stood up, leaving his empty glass on the side table, and began his trek upstairs.  
Harry remained sitting and quite still. He stared into the fire and thought back on the story that Lupin had just told him. Getting up, he placed his glass on the table and made his way to the base of the stairs. Glancing once back to the dying fire he whispered, "I'm sorry Sirius" and made his way to the guest room. 


End file.
